For those of you who know me even the littlest bit know that I come from a large family. And I'm not talking just the 5 siblings. I'm talking aunts, uncles and cousins too. And I think know that I'm extremely blessed and lucky. Those of us on my mom's side are extremely close. It was always us, (my sisters, brother and I) and Rebecca, Rachel, Jared, Jessie, Paula and Zach. That's a whole lot of kids and a whole lot of fun. Growing up they were more brothers and sisters to me than cousins. It's just how close we grew up. And sharing in happy times, excitement and blessings also means you share in the bad times and the heartaches. And that biggest heartache came 5 years ago today. And even though 5 years sounds like somewhat of a long time, my heart still hurts, it beats fast, my cheeks burn and my eyes well up with tears just thinking about what is missing from our family.
One of us earned his wings and became an angel. And my heart still feels that loss every day. Because there is not one single day that has passed since that snowy and cold day in March when the good Lord decided to call Jared home that my mind doesn't think of him. I'll always remember where I was and what I was doing when my phone rang and I could hear my mom's voice trembling on the other line when all she said was "he's gone". I vividly remember dropping the phone and watching it fall down the steps and disconnect from the other line. Remember feeling that maybe if I didn't call her back none of what she said would be true. I remember thinking that just 10 minutes earlier Josh and I had been outside with Addilyn playing in the snow and laughing like things were ok. In that instant of a phone call, our family and lives changed forever.
Five years. I just can't seem to wrap my head around that. I remember the countless drives to Norton's, the talks and jokes in the waiting room while making the time pass, the endless prayers bedside, dropping to my knees to God in the waiting room and chapel, adding angel after angel to his angel Christmas tree and finally that last drive to Norton's. And it really doesn't seem like that long ago, but yet so much has changed since then. Our huge family has expanded greatly. Three more got married, adding two more guys and one girl to the family. Nine (9!!) babies have been born since 2005, giving Jared two more neices and two more nephews that he never got a chance to love and kiss on and spoil and teach new things to. But because we all have our memories, those babies will all grow up and know who he was and what kind of a guy he was.
our last family picture
Thanksgiving '07
You know that song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away"? Yea, what I wouldn't give to just wrap my arms around him one more time or just to look at him and see him smile. But instead all I can do is know that we will see him again one day. And I hope this year he is celebrating his "angel"versary and Granma's first birthday in heaven with all our loved ones. Because today is not only his anniversary but is also Granma's birthday. So my heart aches twice as much today for the loss of two important people from our family. I hope they're floating around on a big fluffy cloud talking about how bad the CATS need to learn how to play ball and she giving him a love pat or two on his knee as they look down and know that so many people love them and miss them terribly.
I know these two are looking down on us
today and always
"There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in our hearts." ~Mahatma Ghandi
My thoughts and feelings exactly
